LA Anniversary

I moved to Los Angeles one year ago today. 365 days of California residency.

I thought I knew my path and what I wanted in this life. As I reflect, I see that I did not because I was not ready to be honest with myself. 

Today I sit at my desk in LA Apartment #5 and think back on who I was on September 14th, 2011. I know that at the core I am the same person that I am today, but everything else has changed.

I finished grad school and moved to LA to become an addictions counselor. My dream was to work with Dr. Drew. It's funny to me now that I didn't see that the entertainment industry was always a part of my dream, at the time I didn't think I was worthy or that it was a legitimate request. 

I was willing to work hard to earn a degree, to get a job in substance abuse counseling in a city full of addicts, to move my life across the country, and to essentially start over, but the ridiculous part of it is that I still wasn't moving toward what I wanted most. 

It has taken this year in Los Angeles to learn about myself so I can identify my true talents. That way I can construct my goals. 

I used to avoid that which I did not like, and I could blame others for things not going my way. I see what has held me back, I see what I have done wrong, and I see my strengths and abilities clearly.

Lessons I have learned here that I’m not sure I could have learned in the safe bubble of those who love me have been emotionally paralyzing, but I am a better woman today because I faced them head on.

REALIZATION #1:

I have loved, but I have never been in love. I choose emotionally unavailable men. I see that my subconscious, we’ll call her Suby, has been trying to protect me, but it has kept me from experiencing a healthy relationship.

I believe Suby’s rational is that if I care for someone who cannot care for me back, then I know I will get hurt. There is no mystery, no question how the situation will end. I can play the victim; I give and give to this man, and I get nothing in return. Poor me.

Really? Am I a victim? No.

Fear of getting hurt has dictated my actions. I believe it to be fear of accepting love too. I can only truly get hurt if I fully let someone in. If I don’t give someone a chance to care about me, he will not know who I am and then cannot reject the "real me."

REALIZATION #2:

I have metaphorically run, but I see now that I was on a treadmill. I have conceptualized big dreams that require smaller steps, but I have just recently started actually running toward them. On a treadmill, no matter how much you run, you are still in the same place. Today, I am running outside so that every time my metaphorical shoe hits the pavement, or more preferably, every time my metaphorical foot hits the sand, I am going some where. 

REALIZATION #3:

I have to examine and harness my own brilliance; I cannot wait for someone else to tell me all that I am capable of accomplishing. 

If you are selling your car, do you wait for someone to come knocking on your door asking to buy it? No. You put a For Sale sign in the window of the car and you list it on Craigslist, eBay, and the like. You advertise that this vehicle is for sale and you describe all that it has to offer so that a buyer wants to own it. 

The same thing goes for me as a human who wants to make money. I need to promote my skills, and that starts with DOING. Once I have products/services, I need to broadcast what I have to offer, not wait for buyers. 

REALIZATION #4:

Live a FIELD OF DREAMS life. Closely connected to REALIZATION #3, I have to create and then advertise, I cannot wait around for someone to ask me to write this posting about my first year in Los Angeles.

I cannot sit at home waiting for that knock on that door or that phone call that asks me to write and produce, I need to be doing. "If you build it, they will come."